Tuesday, August 7, 2007

blessings

I was nervous about Brent's pending departure and its effect on my daily functioning. I worried (still worry...wishing for the Russian verb tense which expresses past action and continuing across the present to an indefinate time in the future, in a single word) about stressing and crying and flailing around for six months, crabbing at my kids and barely surviving. This is spectacular Melissa form. Stress=crabby mel. During my paramedic exams there was some hissing and growling. Maybe some yelling. :p
My friend Dana pointed out (speaking from experience, having been separated from her husband for three months at the end of her last pregnancy) that separation can have some advantages. There is growth potential, and time to invest in things you don't get around to when your spouse is there to hang out with. This is true! This conversation helped me change my perspective on Brent's time in Regina from something we need to endure to an opportunity for growth, self reliance, self examination, and wrapping myself up in God. Rarely do married couples have the opportunity to 'be apart' in a healthy manner for a extended period of time, so perhaps I can cull this experience for wealth, instead of merely wishing it didn't exist.
This week I have been praying for peace and strength, especially when I'm at home with my family. For Brent's sake I don't want to be weeping and falling apart, barely holding it together as he goes off to RCMP boot camp to get his ass kicked...he has problems of his own to worry about without stressing about whether or not I can handle our home, children, car, pets, and self without him here! Some healthy "I'll miss you," and some tears are certainly warrented but I just don't want to fall apart. Also, for my kids' sake I want to stay calm and strong. They need a soft, strong place to fall when they grieve for Brent and process his absence, without worrying about whether or not mommy can hold it together. To this effect I've been praying for peace.
Already I have felt peaceful to a degree I didn't think possible in the light of single motherhood. Praise God! I remember Matthew with his legs wrapped around my torso and his arms wrapped around my neck, rolling down the hill in White Rock; here I am, wrapping myself around God, looking forward to a time of solitude, with peace and joy as well as the giving and giving and giving that single mothers do. I'm overjoyed, and surprised by peace.

1 comment:

tamie said...

I will keep you in my prayers as well. I am always amazed by the peace that is there, if we just can open to it.