Okay, the title of this post is definately overkill. So, my husband is leaving for six months starting August 12th. We're dealing, but this is tough. I just feel a little fragile sometimes. Yesterday was my third day off in a row, which was wonderful and during which I vowed not to think of work at all. I am very grateful to have the type of job where I can leave work and not think about it until the next time I return to it, because it suits me very well. Well, we decided after getting ready for the day that we would like to walk to the nearby water park, so we packed up the wagon with snacks, a sun umbrella, towels, and water, and off we went. It was VERY HOT and I was VERY SWEATY and Ayden kept screaming at Matthew for incredibly minor infractions, so here I was lugging both kids in the wagon at 27 degrees (which in the humidity feels like 35, I'll have you know) and hating their guts. Every mom has some moments where she severely dislikes her childrens' company, and this was one of those for me. Since I have stepped up my hours at work in anticipation of Brent's departure and the shifting of my role into primary breadwinner, I have been wanting to maximize the time I have with my boys. You know, be the calm, fun, happy mommy on the days we're together to ease the pain of being apart. See, the problem with this paradigm is that us mommys are human. I get overheated, overtired, overstimulated, and overcrabby sometimes, and it doesn't always happen while I'm at work! I load all this expectation on myself regarding 'how it's going to be' and how I'm going to make up for the negatives in my childrens' lives...though why I automatically think of me at work as a negative in their lives, I don't know. I know we miss each other, but they have fun at daycare and with their dad, and they know I'm here for them, so why exactly I'm assuming me going to work is negative I don't know?? It's not unusual for me to feel guilty about going to work, but if you asked my opinion I would say that families are as varied as snowflakes and 'all moms stay home is best' is a one-size-fits-all attitude that I disagree with. So why is it so hard for me to go to work? I feel like I'm cheating by doing both mommyhood and work, somehow.
Anyways, this exhausting walk in the hot sun with crabby kids was not going well. Once at the water park things improved a bit; it was smoking busy so I set up camp just outside the perimeter fence for the water park because I find crowds very overwhelming. I didn't need to add to the distress of my mental state at that particular point in time! It was a good choice. I cooled off in the shade of my sun umbrella and played with the boys. Unfortunately Matthew gets overwhelmed by crowds also, and has a passion for water, which ultimately leads to blatant misbehaviour at the water park. I caught him knee deep in the mini creek, throwing toys with all his muster at other children. Twice. Ohhhh, the second time the look on my face would have scared a tiger, I'm sure of it. What did Matthew do? He promptly held his breath and fainted on the grass. We had not even made it to the 'time out' spot yet, and here he is fainting on the grass (luckily not pissing his pants like he usually does when he faints, because he had gone pee in the bushes about 15 minutes previous to this). Who looks like the worst woman of the year when her kid faints? I do. More importantly, who feels like the worst woman of the year when her kid faints? Not only do I feel guilty, I feel MAD which makes me feel even guiltier. Seriously, is it worth a walk to the park? I'm hedging on no.
After a few hours at the park (Matthew's behaviour much improved after he woke up from his faint and completed his time out and had a cuddle from mommy) I packed the boys up and hiked up yet another hill to find us some sushi. Matthew fell asleep in the wagon and stayed asleep all through lunch (is it aweful that I was glad to save the money? Yes, it's aweful. I'm still glad to have saved money on sushi for a two year old) and all through the rest of the walk home. We then had an hour and a half in our backyard with the sprinkler and the wading pool which was WAY MORE FUN anyways!! Walking any distance in the dead of winter and in the dead of summer REALLY SUCKS. Can I be considered environmentally friendly if I drive my minivan the 2 km to the water park instead of walking? I compost. Does that help?
By the time Brent came home I was feeling better, but definately exhausted. So I went to IGA for a few items and for a few minutes of peace and quiet. As I was pulling out of my parking spot after my grocery shopping, NOT breaking any parking lot rules or ettiquite, some horrible lady in her air conditioned SUV called me a bitch. A bitch!!? ME?!! I didn't do anything wrong! I have my bitchy moments but I assure you I did not deserve the label in the parking lot of IGA yesterday evening. Nor did I need it. I pulled my stupid minivan (anyone want to buy a minivan? We're selling) over to the side of the road and started to cry. Who does that to someone else? What happened to common human decency? Manners? Kindness? Just because you feel bitchy doesn't mean you can pile YOUR BITCHINESS onto MY shoulders at the end of a long, hot day dragging a green wagon with 58 lbs of crabby little boy in it!! Normally I wouldn't let someone like that bother me, but yesterday I just couldn't dismiss it, you know? I'm trying my best as a human being and some days I could use a pat on the back, or an unexpected $500 or something, not a name calling. Ayden knows to treat people with more dignity and respect than that woman. If I were her, I'd be ashamed of myself for acting with such disregard for others, with such unkindness. Where have the decent people gone? Grotesque.