You're probably overloaded already with my bloggings, but I was lying in bed thinking of this phenomenon and I had to share it before it slipped my mind. It's so wonderful I just don't want to lose it, so I have to write it down.
Since Brent left I noticed that, sometimes, it is easier for me to do full days with the boys because I expect no reprive, no partner in crime to breeze in the door at five and rescue me, so I HAVE to be the 'on' parent for 13 hours. So I am. I also find it easier in some ways to function the three of us because there are only 2 relationships for me to focus on, and not 3. Does that make sense? Interesting. Obviously I miss my partner in crime, but I found this to be an interesting phenomenon. I think it goes along with my personality characteristic of being focused and only able to do one thing at a time. If I'm taking care of the kids, I TAKE CARE OF THEM and little else. Another relationship adds to my necessary multitasking and taxes my ability to cope.
Also, I have noticed improvements in my and Matthew's relationship. Since we adopted him Matthew has had a very easy time trusting and bonding with men, and is more reticent and less trusting with women. Definitely he and I had developed a good solid trusting relationship, but when Brent left I noticed a deepening of his trust of me. He has to rely on me, because I'm the only parent now. Also, I have to be reliable because I'm the only one now, and I've been stepping up 110%. Trying to cope well for the kids' sake, you know? Since I have to do it, and I've been able to focus on just parenting and not on wife-ing, I have been coping well, and able most of the time to give the kids what they need.
Disclaimer: I have bad days! I yell! I'm no saint. But God has been lifting me up in such a manner that grace overflows from him to me to my boys, and I'm grateful.
I have been intending, and seeking, time alone with Matthew for as long as he has been a part of our family. Easier said than done. In the late spring we separated the boys' bedtime routines for that purpose. Now that Ayden is in preschool, Matthew and I have 3 hours together, 3 times a week, and it is GOLD, or wind in trees, or oxygen saturation, or sunrise...it's beautiful. I love his personality immensely, but these hours I have with just him I have an opportunity to enjoy it. This positively reenforces our experience of each other, and we've bonded more than ever before. Magic.
Tonight I lifted Matthew out of the bath and wrapped him in a towel and sat there smelling his clean hair, and it struck me that this was what I set out to do with that tiny idea of adoption so many years in the growing...I wanted to take a little child whose future was full of loneliness and suffering, and replace that future with one of opportunity and love. Warm baths, clean hair, a towel with a hood attached made especially for him, opportunities to learn, a toothbrush, a brother, medicine, routine, a bedtime, a favourite stuffed doggy, literature, literacy, a clean floor, cuddles, kisses, a place to belong, and most of all, joy. I've done it. What a privilege it is to be Matthew's mommy, and God's avenue of grace to him. It's not, truly, that I've done it at all, but that God has done it and allowed me to come along for the ride, and I'm so, so grateful.
Joy for a little boy.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.