Friday, March 21, 2008

Serious Shit

PEOPLE! WHY DOES MY LIFE REVOLVE AROUND POOP?!!!!?
This story is so aweful I can't even laugh yet. I'm hoping that posting it will be therapeutic and I'll be able to laugh while I type it out.
Brent is on nights, which means he sleeps in the day.
This morning went smoothly. I was calm. The boys were golden. The cat didn't puke.
Then, at about 1 in the afternoon I decided to go have a shower. I leave them unattended while I shower pretty much every day, and they are fine. They entertain themselves (or not), for 10 minutes and no major disasters ensue, as a general rule. Well, today was an exception.
Today, while I was in the shower for 10 minutes, Ayden and Matthew thought it would be funny to strip naked. This is not unusual in our house, and as long as we don't have guests, the rule is naked rocks. For the kids. We're not modest either and both boys see us naked on a regular basis, but we don't goof around with them in the nude, obviously. The kicker today was that they decided to dump all of the bedding from Ayden's bunk bed onto Matthew's lower bed, toss in the entire contents of their play kitchen (plastic food, dishes, utensils), and dance on THAT naked.
And then Ayden pooped.
On the bed.
And the plastic food.
And THEN he took the play kitchen utensils and started transporting his poop to a cardboard box. And the floor (new carpet, remember?). And Matthew's legs. And one of Matthew's hats. Two, actually. One was not rescuable. And the playroom. And the pile of clean laundry in the hallway. And the sink, countertop, and toilet in the bathroom. In fact, he added toilet paper to the mess in the toilet and proceeded to plug the toilet, causing a poo flood in that bathroom (where have I seen this before??) which leaked onto the carpet. He then tried to unplug the toilet using the toilet brush.
Wet, poopy toilet paper flung all over the bathroom (new paint on walls, remember?), including floor, bathtub, counter, sink, mirror, and walls.
I KID YOU NOT.
I only started laughing just NOW when I re-read this.
What did I do to deserve a malicious, mentally retarded, seriously disturbed, poo flinging almost five year old laughing diabolically as he spreads poop over 500 square feet of living space?
Nothing I ever did to my mother amounted to this.
Did it, mom?
This HAS to top anything I did.

At least Matthew's crusty-poo-spread-on-700-square-feet-of-laminate last year was unintentional. Funny, not unexpected behaviour of a baby.
THIS....

I'm speechless.
I was FURIOUS for about 2 hours (I had to leave the house with Matthew to run errands, just to get me away from the diabolical child...Oh yes, I forgot to mention that some yelling on my part MAY have woken up my husband, so Ayden stayed with him), formulating complex disciplinary actions that stretched until adulthood, but I've since calmed down. A spanking and 1/2 hour waiting in the empty bathtub while we cleaned up the mess will probably suffice at this point!
The thing is, he wasn't even REMORSEFUL! Not even after his spanking! He seemed surprised that I was mad. He laughed after I spanked him. Laughed.
It wasn't very hard, but I'm sure it didn't tickle.
You can see how perhaps it was prudent of me to leave the house.
After the cleanup.

I have pictures.
I vowed that I WILL get him back someday, and those pictures will be my ticket to teenage humiliation, and perhaps even some wedding story banter to boot!
I will get him back.
Just you wait, blogosphere. Just you wait.

4 comments:

Tonya said...

I'm speechless. I may have injured the child after that. Definitely wouldn't have let them out of the tub for a VERY LONG TIME. Glad Brent was home so you could leave. Oh, my. Wow. Not sure what I would have done for punishment! What is a "logical consequence" to that?

melissa said...

I thought a logical consequence could include either;
not being allowed to sleep on his precious bunkbed for a week (or a few days), or
not being allowed to have any bedding, since it was the bedding he pooped on.
Amongst other things!

Tonya said...

That's really good! I think I'd go with whichever one would "hurt" him the most. Does that make sense? Whichever one is most precious to him.

Hey, as you already know, the good part of this is that you will laugh about this one day - all at his expense. :-) He gets sassy in front of you with his friends around and you can just say, "remember the time ..."

melissa said...

Yeah, that makes sense. Dr. Phil talks about "currency" with children, and I think that he means the same thing. Whatever is most precious to them, and related to the event, is what is most appropriate to remove. Plus, Ayden is a very 'hot' sleeper so he could survive quite nicely with just an old sheet in winter, and no covers in summer. The bunkbed is easy to take away; we've done that before. We took the mattress off the bunk bed and put it on the floor in his room for a night or two for some reason that I've since forgotten!! It worked like a charm.
In this instance, we stuck with the 1/2 hour wait, the spank, and a serious lecture from daddy. My elaborate plans were a little on the overreacting side of things, so I laid them to rest.