Thursday, March 6, 2008
Stu again (or lack thereof)
Wow, my relationship with Matthew really IS different now. Only a bit, but a bit in the right direction! It wasn't aweful before, but SO frequently overshadowed by Mr. Guilty Voice that it was difficult to really enjoy the good stuff to its fullest. Parenting is so much work, and so much GIVE, and so much CLEAN, and so much TEACH, and so much TALK, and so much REPEAT YOURSELF, and so much PLAY BORING GAMES, and so much WASH SCRUB WASH, that it's kind of a bummer to then have a muted experience of the GOOD, rewarding, wonderful, funny, affectionate, playful, awe-filled, tumbling, wrestling, laughing side of things. Now, it's not muted. I no longer dwell on his negative, whiney, or 'misbehaving' incidents later in the day because I no longer feel guilty about them. I deal with them, and then I move on. If I could have dealt better with it, I think, "Hm, next time I'll do ----------- instead" and then I leave it in the past. Like this morning: I overreacted to Matthew grabbing something out of my hand, though I was clearly indicating I wanted to keep it in my hand...so, I got mad. Then I felt bad. Then, I apologized. Then I came up for a plan for clearer body language and verbal reenforcement, for next time. Simple! I'm learning! Last night I put him to bed and we had another cuddle (we usually do, BTW...but now I'm enjoying them more), which I internalized. I even 'felt' that Oh, I love you, and 'said' Oh, I love you at the same time (usually they are not simultaneous for me with Matthew), and he said "Wuh. You." And I felt tremendous joy. Great! Whew, I like parenting him so much more now that I am fully taking in the good stuff. That guilt fog was CRAP.