Saturday, May 17, 2008

The Girl/Boy Thing

I have 2 1/2 boys. See, I always wanted 4 girls. Now I'm quite satisfied with having had my eyes opened to the joys of boys, but by #3 I really did figure I'd learned my lessons and that God owed me a baby girl. I thought of the baby as a girl from the minute it was conceived (I knew I was pregnant before I KNEW for sure), I talked about it as if it were a girl, and I had a great number of dreams of the baby after it was born and it was always, without fail, a baby girl. My mind was made up. I even bought some girl clothes. Not too many, but some. A sleeper from Costco. Some dresses from Carter's. A pink soother. Some pink socks.
The week before my ultrasound my mom kept saying, "But if it is a boy..." and I wouldn't admit it, but I was thinking the same thing.
And it's a boy!
Which was fine! And still is!
But I have my moments. When we found out we were simply excited, no disappointment. And then the next morning I went in my closet and saw the girl dresses and felt sad. You see, we want one more, but we want to adopt next time, so we won't get an infant small enough to wear those clothes, even if it is a girl. There was some grief. When I see other moms with baby girls, it's hard. I don't wish little Vose were a girl, because he's not, and I love him the way he is, but I do wish I HAD a girl, in addition, you know?
I bought my niece a dress in Hawaii and had to hide it in my suitcase so I didn't have to look at it all the time.
I still have dreams that my baby is born, and sometimes he's a boy, but sometimes he's still a girl.
Oddly, lately I've been having dreams that I forget to breastfeed the baby for the first few days. Like, how could you FORGET to feed your baby? I think it's because breastfeeding is so important to me and I'm afraid of losing that relationship, and the fear comes out in the dreams.
So, I have 2 1/2 boys. And I'm happy. But I am sad I don't have a girl.


Tonya said...

I had strange dreams like that with other pregnancies too (not this one so far). Forget the baby, forget to nurse, forget the baby's name, forget to bring the baby home ... Not sure why. I'm sure it has to do with a fear of not bonding with the baby. Or a fear that life is already sooo busy and crazy that how will you fit another one?

Sorry about the disappointment. We wanted boys. 2 girls first. I had the same struggles. :-)

Dawn and Dale said...

*Raises her hand....

Totally get what you're saying!

I was the same...

I wasn't sad that I had 4 boys...

I was sad I didn't have a girl to go with them!!! :)

Louise and Gary Chapman said...

when I first found out Kai was going to be a boy, I was a little sad because I always pictured myself with girls. However, I have realized how much I love having a little wild boy and my dream now it to have 3 of them:)