Okay, I have this morning issue that has lately been absolutely rendering me non functional. When I wake up in the morning my blood sugar is incredibly low. I cannot sleep in, not because I have to pee, which one would consider normal in a pregnant woman, but because I have to eat. When I get up for the day, I go to the bathroom, brush my teeth, and then beeline to the kitchen to feed myself. If anyone gets in my way or even wants to talk to me before I get food in my mouth, their life is in danger! Anyways, I am always compensating for early morning low blood sugar, and since I got pregnant have been dealing with this on a daily basis. I eat at 11:00 or midnight every night, but still am 'faint with hunger' when I wake up at 7:00. The morning issue I'm referring to here is that, after I eat, I feel like shit. I always try to eat a protein and a fruit with my breakfast to try and boost my blood sugar short and long term, but I still feel like shit and I couldn't figure out why. Lately it has been getting worse, and I haven't started to feel better until after my morning snack, and sometimes as late as after lunch. I feel weak, 'draggy,' nauseous, cranky, and have heartburn.
Yesterday I surmised a possible hypothesis; with my protein and fruit, I was eating whole grain, complex carbohydrates. Porridge, toast, or cereal. Carbohydrates are good, but they are not good for stablizing blood sugar. A hypoglycemic event will not be rectified with crackers or toast; an apple and a piece of cheese works better. I figured that perhaps I was expending so much energy digesting these complex carbs that I was using up a fair amount of the energy I had eaten, while my body was already trying to recover from a night of not eating.
Whether or not this is physiolgically sound, I don't know. But I decided my shitty state was likely directly related to the morning consumption of complex carbs, so this morning I tried an experiment. For breakfast I had two eggs, two small pieces of bacon, an orange, and some apple juice. Protein x 3, fruit x 2, no carbs. The result? I felt AWESOME! What a relief. I went to aerobics and felt no dragging, weakness, nausea, or crankiness. Some minimal heartburn. GREAT! Only I may get tired of eggs. Peanut butter makes me nauseous this pregnancy. Who wants chicken for breakfast?? Cream cheese doesn't seem protein enough and one can't eat cream cheese with no carbs.
Anyways, for lunch I ate borscht and a piece of bread with butter. Snack was an orange. I felt good.
Suddenly, midafternoon I had an overwhelming desire for cookies. We were at my in-law's place and there is a bag of oreo cookies in their pantry. I ate five. FIVE! #1, I don't eat refined sugar in order to combat chronic yeast infections and to try and level out my blood sugars in an attempt to encourage the growth of an 'average' sized baby, #2, I don't have difficulty refusing oreo cookies. I don't even like oreo cookies. Chocolate is difficult (though I succeed 98% of the time), but not cookies filled with disgustingly sweet white cream and lots of preservatives, and #3, a slip up for me generally involves ONE item, not five.
After the five cookies, I ate some tortillas with cheese and felt better. I was weirded out by this cookie binge. And then it occurred to me: I had only eaten ONE carbohydrate serving ALL DAY! It was now 4 p.m. No wonder I ate the cookies! We need 5-10 servings of whole grain, complex carbohydrates in a day. Having cut out my carbs in my breakfast, I needed to find a way to replace them somewhere else. Desparate, my body fixated on cookies.
Mental note: breakfast, no carbs. Snack and lunch, carbs.
Will try tomorrow.
In other topics, yesterday's church service was really wonderful. We sang some wonderful songs, and our pastor wrapped up his (seriously amazing) series on the ten commandments. I've never considered the Big Ten to be interesting enough for one sermon, let alone ten of them, but our pastor is exceptionally gifted. And thoughtful. And educated.
His sermon yesterday addressed "You shall not covet." You can listen to his sermon in its entirety here, definitely worth a listen. I also highly recommend Feb. 3rd. A resounding amen to an apology to the world, from Christians, for having failed so miserably, so often, to portray Christ's love.
Anyways, the ideas behind this tenth commandment that Scott brought to light were interesting and complex, and one thing kept rattling around in my head. What is it that I covet from other people? I've been jealous of peoples' houses, and vacations, and large backyards, and nice clothes before, but not recently. And a 'desire to have' only morphs into 'covetousness' when it becomes destructive, and I've not felt that jealous of anyone in a few years.
Part way through the sermon, it hit me what I covet. I don't have difficulty with material items at this current point in time (I'm not immune), but what I DO have difficulty with is other moms. Moms who have it under control. Moms who look peaceful. Moms who patiently redirect and explain while disciplining, showing no ruffling of their exterior expression. Moms who are joyful.
Sometimes I feel patient and peaceful and joyful, and sometimes I have things under control, but I want to steal what these women have, or seem to have, all the time. I want to take it for myself, at their detriment. Barring stealing it, I want it gone in them, so I won't feel so horrible when I watch them.
Two things I need to acknowledge here. One, I am good enough. I'm enough, for my children. I don't always look like I have everything under control, but there is a downside to excessive control and order, and above all I love my children and they know it, deep inside their hearts. Two, other women are not always perfect, unruffled, and joyful. One moment in time does not represent them as parents, any more than one moment in time or one interaction represents me as a parent.
Will work on acknowledging both.
Throwing myself headlong into Jesus helps, for in Him I find a focus other than myself, and I also find unconditional, excessive, abounding affection for me.
I don't get why, but I'm so glad he feels this.