Okay, let me tell you about my dad as I know him. Here are a few characteristics that describe him:
I have seen him slaughter animals, including sheep, deer, moose, pheasant, grouse, and even a bear without blinking an eye. All our lives we have had animals, but each had a job. Cats catch mice. They do not live in the house. Dogs protect property. They do not live in the house. Horses pack loads and carry humans. Mules do likewise. Chickens make eggs. Cows generate income. Wild game is good food. Some dogs track wild game. They still do not live in the house. Pampered dogs are useless, brainless, wasters of good oxygenated air. And the butt of many jokes. Any human who picks up dog poop, pays for dog surgery, or needlessly carries his dog is an incomprehensible species and good only for laughs.
PEOPLE. LOOK AT MY DAD. THIS IS HIS NEW PUPPY.
I repeat: somebody tell me who took my dad and replaced him with this kook?