Friday, February 20, 2009

Bad Luck Matrix, Sorry, and Nightmares

I've decided that our Toyota Matrix is horribly cursed. We only bought it a year ago. Since Riley was born we've been rear ended twice (and a third time in the red car) and then on Tuesday somebody scraped up a good foot long, six inch tall scratch in the side of it while it was in a parking lot, and then had the decency to TAKE OFF. Asshole. Like, whatever, it's just a car. But who does that? Enough damage to leave your OWN car's paint in large quantities on the other vehicle, and then just run away? Seriously? Like we can afford this?
In the end we're hoping a good wax buff and a self-help job with a silver paint pen will repair it enough to be rust proof and minimally ugly.
[sigh]

I also wanted to say sorry for neglecting my blog of late. Some of you only post on your own blogs once a week or so (or less), so I know you'll not think I'm neglectful, but for me this is unusual. Partly, I feel like I don't have much to say. Often throughout my day I'll think, "gee, I should blog about that! That would be funny/interesting/I'd like to record that" but then IF I sit down at the computer with the energy to type and not just peruse other peoples' blogs, I often forget what it was I wanted to say. And feel like I have nothing else interesting to write about. So, sorry. Partly also it is just busier around here. Twice a week the boys swim in the mornings during my usual computer time, Tuesday mornings I have my PPD/A group meeting, and most of my computer time is in the morning before school.

I've been wanting to post about nightmares for a few weeks, because I had something interesting happen. Well, interesting to me. Ever since I was a kid, I have had weird nightmares sometimes. Numerous times as a child I would WAKE UP and have a nightmare. I mean, obviously some part of my brain was still sleeping since I was able to still be dreaming, but my eyes would be open and I would be able to sit up or move around. Then I would 'see' something moving around my room or the hallway outside my room and it would generally be something I found incredibly frightening, and it would not dissipate until someone else came to see what I was thrashing and screaming about. And I would fully wake up. In fight or flight mode, heart beating wildly and muscles tensed for flight, and it would take me awhile to calm down.
Then I outgrew those.
Then I got pregnant with Ayden and started having this ONE, recurring nightmare that was very similar, which I named The Spider Dream. In it, I wake up in my bed and suspeded above my head is a very large, very nasty, very predatory spider. It was always moving, and always descending towards my face. But it never looked exactly the same. The spider itself always looked slightly different, or was tangled up in another spider, or was off to one side or something. I would thrash around and scream, trying to get OUT from UNDER this spider and would not wake up until Brent woke me up and reassured me. This nightmare repeated itself throughout my pregnancy with Ayden, and I thought it a weird, undocumented side effect of pregnancy. After he was born, it went away.
In the interim I discovered that a side effect of low blood sugar can be nightmares. Aha! I thought. I've discovered the reason WHY I had that spider dream when I was pregnant. I had low blood sugar at night!
When I got pregnant with Riley I made sure that every evening I had a snack before bed. The snack was always healthy. One night I woke up and the roiling spider was suspended above my head again, and I didn't wake up and have the dream dissipate until I fell out of bed and woke myself up (and really scared the cat!). This was while Brent was still away at training so I didn't have him to wake me up before I thrashed around enough to fall out of the bed! I later determined that popcorn was not an adequate bedtime snack because popcorn does not actually have very many calories in it. And I didn't have any other Spider Dreams for the rest of my pregnancy.
And then I had one last week.
No, I am not pregnant.
And I had a huge meal late in the evening so I know I had enough to eat.
Brent suggested that perhaps I ate too much and my body made too much insulin to compensate? But I'm pretty certain there was still food in my stomach, being absorbed. Although his is the best explanation I can think of.
SO WEIRD!
The other explanation is that when I'm anxious I have HORRIBLE dreams, and I have had quite a few of those since Riley was born. But they are different in that I have them when I'm fully asleep, eyes closed, not moving around or conscious of being in my bed. And they are pretty directly related to how much I dwell on anxious thoughts during the day. They usually involve my kids. Like, last week I had one where I and the boys were visiting a marina and were on and off several boats, touring around. I suddenly realized I didn't have Riley and didn't know where he was, and couldn't remember seeing him for at least an hour. I ran all over looking for him and started freaking out and everyone pitched in to look for him. Finally someone found a baby in the water and it had been under water for over an hour. I totally freaked out and was screaming and a lady pulled him out of the water and was carrying him towards me and he looked all limp and grey. The back of his head was towards me and I recognized his bald spot. But when the lady got closer and handed him to me, the baby was a girl, so Riley was still lost. Then I woke up.
Sometimes I'm afraid to go to sleep, because I don't want to have these dreams. I have them frequently, though FAR LESS frequently than before I went to see Irene my counsellor for those four sessions. And I no longer have extreme insomnia like I did before I went to see her. Remember, sometimes I would get out my computer and post late at night: 'I can't sleep?' It was so aweful because I had a baby who slept perfectly yet I couldn't sleep myself. So my sleep is far better than it used to be, but I am still having the occasional nightmare. Two in a week is unusual. But it has been extremely difficult to keep my anxiety at bay because my grandma and an aunt that I'm very close to are battling breast cancer right now. I love them so much and I feel pretty powerless to help with three kidlets and 500 kilometers of geography between myself and them. Also, a very close friend of mine had a 'suspicious lump,' which she had removed and which turned out to be something totally unrelated to cancer. Thank heaven. But that was a question mark for about six weeks there. And I am still mourning Grandma Kadie's death pretty heavily. So I guess that could be a reasonable explanation for the Spider Dream's return.
So weird, this life. This being human.

2 comments:

tamie said...

"So weird, this life. This being human."

Just wanted to let you know I'm still readin'.

Asheya said...

Nightmares are definitely confusing. I think all dreams are. Sorry to hear you have having such a rough time of it right now.

As far as the curse of your car, perhaps the curse is just, ahem, living in the lower mainland (haha). Too much traffic = more accidents. There are things I miss about living in a large center, but the traffic definitely isn't one of them!