Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Sickasickasicka

Wow, it is snowing like crazy outside! Yesterday I could see my crocuses peeking through the soil: today it is snowing. Normally as you all know, I love snow. But today I am bummed. I think I would be pissed off at the sun, if it were sunny today. I'm grouchy. Here is why.

This morning Riley woke up at 5 a.m. He wanted to play, but not play solo. Play with ME. For 2 hours. Then he fell asleep again at 7. Brent left for work shortly after 7, and not 2 minutes after the door shut behind him, Ayden came upstairs to tell me that Matthew threw up all over our fabric cushioned rocking chair.
Awesome. A show of hands, who loves to be woken up to a pile of vomit on their furniture? Does this sing glad tidings to you? Does this foreshadow a great day of loving and enjoyable interactions with your children? Well, for me it does not. In fact, the vomit is still on the chair because before I could get to it I had to clean up MORE vomit on the floor and table and in a little trail to the bathroom (where, naturally, none of it actually made it into the toilet). This pretty much signifies my day.
Poor Matthew was heartbroken when I told him he couldn't go to school because he was sick. "But my friends might miss me!" He said. Too cute.
I had to hustle Ayden to swimming lessons. Ayden does not like to be hustled, so he yelled at me a lot. A LOT.
More puke.
Then Riley puked on me 3 or 4 times, just to add to the pile.
Then Ayden yelled some more.
[some days this means I yell back, but today I didn't have the energy. I just tried to talk, and if that proved fruitless, I walked away]

Riley screamed his head off in his carseat for the entire drive to swimming, then back. Then the drive to school [Matthew was too sick to walk], then to Costco, then back. My ears were ringing.
I coughed so hard I peed my pants.
It was raining so hard I'm sure no one noticed.
And then the rain turned to snow.
So no, today I am not a fan of the snow.
Or parenting.
Why do people have kids? Can anyone remind me WHY I had kids? This type of day is SOOOOOO not what I want to do with my life. Am I selfish for wanting more out of life than crying, vomit, and verbal abuse?

I must admit that the afternoon got better. Ayden came home from school in a MUCH better mood, volunteered to make peanut butter and jam sandwiches for lunch, by himself, for everyone, and played with Riley for hours. Matthew slowed down the vomiting but replaced it with stinky diarrhea, until supper when he puked on his plate. But at least he slept part of the afternoon so that was good. Riley was also in a better mood since we didn't go anywhere in the car, and he had had a nap. I spent some time on the computer and got supper made and it actually tasted good. Even though I made up a recipe for pork chops out of my head! Crazy. Orange juice, maple syrup, and minced garlic. Who knew? Sounds like a pregnant woman's recipe, akin to ice cream and pickles or something, but it tasted good.
Brent called me in the afternoon to see how everyone was doing. Why is it so irritating to vent about a bad day to one's spouse when said spouse is sitting in his police cruiser, obviously upbeat and having a good day? Even his sympathy was irritating.
He wants more kids. I don't. It is not his life that gets put on hold to make, birth, breastfeed, and bear over 80% of the cleaning/feeding/laundering/teaching/exercising/stimulating/ass wiping/body fluid cleanup/shopping burden for. I love babies. I love my kids. I love HAVING babies. But I think I'm done. So, so done.
We'll see if I feel the same in a few years. It is just an enormous commitment to have a child, in terms of my body, brain, bed, life, energy, relationships, and etc....I'm not sure I want to go all the way back to the beginning again. I have had my natural birth, and another baby, and another breastfeeding relationship. It feels like enough. Days like today I can't believe I had ANY! Ack.

Well, now I have vented to you! I feel much better. Lighter. More free.
Hopefully you don't judge my ranting.

Here's to better days ahead!

5 comments:

Roboseyo said...

Hang in there, Mel.

Love ya.

Janet said...

I am a grouch today too. UGH.

Dana said...

What a day!! Thanks for trusting us with your venting. xo

tamie said...

when i write revealing stuff like this, i worry so much that people will judge me.

when i read you writing revealing stuff like this, i feel nothing but empathy and understanding.

perhaps i should learn this lesson.

lori lls said...

That was ONE LIQUIDY DAY. I'm sorry about it and glad there were redeeming moments.