Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Thank you! And then.

You are great friends, all of you, thank you for leaving comments the past few days after my whiny foot stamping!! I appreciate you all.
Though I don't really know why Rob put "I love lamp" twice?
Is it funny if it just leaves people feeling confused? My husband seems to think so. Perhaps you two have the same sense of humour, and that is why I get along with both of you [read: get along. don't read: get]
joking.

Suffice it to say, thanks for your comments, they cheered me up!


I am about to go curl up in front of the t.v. to watch some old Friends episodes on DVD, and eat chips. But first I wanted to say that I had a really really hard day. Today I did not want to be a mom. Already being irreversably a mom, I felt rather trapped. Being a parent is fantastic and rewarding WHEN you like your kids. When you don't, it sure sucks.
I think the main reason for my difficult day is that yesterday I went to my first meeting of a group I found through my doctor's office: it is a perinatal depression and anxiety treatment group. We meet for two hours once a week and discuss what we are experiencing as far as peri/post partum depression/anxiety, and learn the basics of the condition itself and how to optimize those aspects of it that we can control in order to improve our emotional state. It is a support group and a treatment group rolled into one. I definintely am appreciative of having found this, and feel it will help augment my sessions with the counsellor I saw [who, btw, I am not allowed to continue to see even on my own dime...some rule...political...or whatever; anyways, I had several friends suggest I could continue to see her after my employer quit paying but this actually wasn't an option. I could have hunted around for another counsellor but that process is exhausting and daunting since it is hard to find a good one: and I felt 70% better anyways. Just needed a bit more of a leg up. Then I found this group!]. However, the rest of the day after our meeting and all of the following day are BRUTAL emotionally because all this stuff gets dragged up and flies around...memories of my adjustment to Matthew and how alienated and monstrous I felt, anxiety over how I'm going to handle my kids, loneliness, guilt, and a general drive to curl up in a ball somewhere and check out for a few days. Cry. Listen to music. Go for walks. You know? Well guess what? I don't get days off!! So instead I dragged myself around and did the requisite mom duties, but resented it in my head.

So, if you think of me, please pray. This group is good for me, but I also need to be happy. God is good, he gave me this family and these kids and he will help me walk through each day with them. Even when my journey has rocks and thorns and mountain ranges to scale. How does anyone do it without Him?

Going to curl up now.
Cheers.

8 comments:

Roboseyo said...

Here. This will clarify things. You should also watch "Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KakinPNRiDc

I'll pray for you.

Louise and Gary Chapman said...

Glad you found that group! I also have those days where I don't want to be a mom and would love the day off. What would you do with 24 hours to yourself?! Wow. Ah, the good old days...but wouldn't change it:)

jenna said...

next time I think you should call a friend and say, "I need to come over and drink tea while my children hide themselves in your room of toys"
hey, I have tea, and a room of toys!

Corin said...

I found you! Thanks for the link.

Aaaah...you're very smart to be seeing a group and talking to others. After Dakota's {my first child} birth I think I was really in need of something like this but simply didn't recognize it as a true need. I wish I would have done what you're doing.

But you're right, God gave you you babies for a purpose. It's beautiful and smart of you to have such a faith in Him.

Looking forward to following you!

jenna said...

Melissa, on another note... could you write a list of "must haves"? You've mentioned that you love your ergo carrier. What other things do you love that a new mom should have? I feel like you might have done this before so you could direct me to that post if you've already done one.
thigh socks. that was a good one too.

Asheya said...

Yep, I totally get this. Been having a few of those days myself.

But you are right that we can trust God, and it's so good to have friends we can talk to who help us get through!

Prayer all around, definitely.

lori lls said...

Glad you found a group of comrades. I'd bet a wooden nickel that however much help they are to you, you'll be at least that much help to them, just by being you.

I too would dig a list of "must-haves for mommyhood" you've come up with. Maybe it could be a post sometime.

Also, I don't know how much wooden nickels are worth (or if they exist), but I imagine them to be worth, like, at LEAST $5 US and a little less CAN.

Jen said...

Thanks for letting us in on how you're feeling. I will pray.