You are great friends, all of you, thank you for leaving comments the past few days after my whiny foot stamping!! I appreciate you all.
Though I don't really know why Rob put "I love lamp" twice?
Is it funny if it just leaves people feeling confused? My husband seems to think so. Perhaps you two have the same sense of humour, and that is why I get along with both of you [read: get along. don't read: get]
Suffice it to say, thanks for your comments, they cheered me up!
I am about to go curl up in front of the t.v. to watch some old Friends episodes on DVD, and eat chips. But first I wanted to say that I had a really really hard day. Today I did not want to be a mom. Already being irreversably a mom, I felt rather trapped. Being a parent is fantastic and rewarding WHEN you like your kids. When you don't, it sure sucks.
I think the main reason for my difficult day is that yesterday I went to my first meeting of a group I found through my doctor's office: it is a perinatal depression and anxiety treatment group. We meet for two hours once a week and discuss what we are experiencing as far as peri/post partum depression/anxiety, and learn the basics of the condition itself and how to optimize those aspects of it that we can control in order to improve our emotional state. It is a support group and a treatment group rolled into one. I definintely am appreciative of having found this, and feel it will help augment my sessions with the counsellor I saw [who, btw, I am not allowed to continue to see even on my own dime...some rule...political...or whatever; anyways, I had several friends suggest I could continue to see her after my employer quit paying but this actually wasn't an option. I could have hunted around for another counsellor but that process is exhausting and daunting since it is hard to find a good one: and I felt 70% better anyways. Just needed a bit more of a leg up. Then I found this group!]. However, the rest of the day after our meeting and all of the following day are BRUTAL emotionally because all this stuff gets dragged up and flies around...memories of my adjustment to Matthew and how alienated and monstrous I felt, anxiety over how I'm going to handle my kids, loneliness, guilt, and a general drive to curl up in a ball somewhere and check out for a few days. Cry. Listen to music. Go for walks. You know? Well guess what? I don't get days off!! So instead I dragged myself around and did the requisite mom duties, but resented it in my head.
So, if you think of me, please pray. This group is good for me, but I also need to be happy. God is good, he gave me this family and these kids and he will help me walk through each day with them. Even when my journey has rocks and thorns and mountain ranges to scale. How does anyone do it without Him?
Going to curl up now.