Friday, September 24, 2010

Serious Funk.

Ack, today is getting on my nerves. Not one thing, just the fact that today even exists. The end of September generally brings on a serious funk for me: I remember when Ayden and Matthew were little I would go insane over the fact that our community pool shuts down every year for the month of September for maintenance. They drain the pool, scrub, repaint, clean all the pump and filter parts, and fill the pool back up again. And I would go nuts because I was desperate for activities to keep us busy and keep my mind off everything that feels overwhelming and boring and entrapping all at once. Every September. So I don't like Septembers. September itself is fine, but I don't like what it transforms me into, and looking ahead to a long season of teeth gritting and spiraling negative moods generally enhances how much September gets on my nerves.

Oh, Spring, where art thou?

I think the sudden weather turn (which I generally like, and welcome with open arms and enthusiasm when I'm pregnant and overheated) coupled with the lack of LIGHT depletes me of something essential physiologically. I guess I'll have to work on some stuff.

When I feel like this, it's hard for me to handle normal daily tasks. Cleaning the kitchen is suddenly overwhelming and makes me angry at Brent for making or contributing to the culinary messes and leaving it all behind for me. I've never really appreciated that about him, but I do it because I'm grateful I don't have to do all the cooking. Most of it, but not all of it. In September, I want to beat him senseless for it, and have screaming fights with him in my head while I clean it, or while I look at it and don't clean it.
Matthew's grade one teacher asked me for a newsletter form that was supposed to be returned today, and I started to cry because I had never seen it before in my life. It's somewhat difficult to be 100% on the ball with newsletters from school because:
(A) Fourteen thousand of the *F*ing things come to our house every week,
(B) Brent and I tag team, so if he reads or collects a newsletter and forgets to deal with it, I don't know it exists, and vice versa
(C) I have three and a half kids and a job and a house and a husband and a cat and dog and it can sometimes happen that papers get lost
(D) They're kids. They lose papers.
I have trouble with thinking my kids' teachers will think I'm terribly irresponsible or bad whenever a paper goes missing or a library book is late or my kids don't make it to school on time. I have no idea why I want the approval of their teachers so badly, but it's pretty deeply ingrained! I'll have to sit down and sort out that one. (I've tried, believe me! It still comes back to haunt me all the time).

Also, Riley spent most of the day whining and wanting to be picked up and bawling his eyes out and being scared of "MONTERS, mommy, MONTERS!!" No matter how often I tell him mommy won't let any monsters stay in our house. He's tired. And hungry, no doubt, but he won't eat anything I set before him today for some reason. The only things he's eaten so far today are cheerios. With no milk. How much actual energy can a toddler get from dry cheerios? He's getting on my nerves.

And AYDEN. Oh my GOSH. I want to throttle that kid's attitude and punt it into next week. Suddenly the past few days he has been horrifically obstinate and argumentative and disobedient. I don't need instant obedience. But I need some cooperative acknowledgment that we live in a family unit and thus need to participate in some give and take.

Matthew isn't on my nerves. But I am extremely worried about him all the time these past few weeks. The bladder clinic never calls me back. He's due for aural surgery soon but I haven't heard from his ENT surgeon yet. He's sick. His nose is runny. His stuttering is worse. He smells like pee all the time. Although he definitely is doing very well in school: his printing is amazing and he's taking much more care with all of his schoolwork, as is evidenced by the finished products he brings home. Often in kindergarten his papers would have a few scribbles of one colour and his name on them, hastily written. Now he is writing things like "Sept 20, Matthew" and using multiple colours and drawing carefully. I think grade one suits him, and he is ready for it. So for that I'm very thankful. We have parent teacher interviews with Matthew's teacher next week. Pray hard, if you think of it, that she won't compare Matthew with Ayden even slightly during this interview--it's something that really gets on my nerves, and is very unfair. Everyone has their own path. And every second sibling hates being compared to their first sibling in school.

It's cold and I'm cold and my kitchen's an overwhelming mess and my husband is working and we'll never sell this house and I want to move to California or Hawaii where September is much like June, and I can enjoy spring feelings all year round.

Thanks for listening to the pregnant lady complain for a bit.


Jen said...

Praying for you today! XXOO

Caryn Ouwehand said...

That was a beautiful Funk Rant.

Wow. I felt your pain.

Feel better.


Dana said...

I would say I hope your funk has passed, but I caught your poopy facebook status....

Praying you have a fantastic sleep and tomorrow is a grrreat day!