Monday, December 13, 2010

Angry Day

Today I'm pissed off. Mostly just in my head, but there were a few unnecessary shushings of my kids as a result of my irritated state of being.

Here's why:
-I'm exhausted. Exercising as much as I should while this pregnant with GD is possible, but it renders me useless physically, mentally, and emotionally for the rest of the day. I'm waking up several times a night, and generally for the day at around 6:15. For no discernible reason. Last night my body tried to wake me up at 3:44 for the day, but fortunately I talked it out of the idea. I'm short on hours of sleep and long on exercise and daily parent duties. Especially when Brent works days: those are 14 hour days for me and they are looooooooong.

-My fasting blood sugars are not only not responding to my manipulations, they are rising. That first week I stressed because they were 5.1, 5.3, 5.8, 5.2, and 5.8.....I'd give my left arm for those now. This week they have been 6.5, 6.1, 6.8, 6.1, 6.7, 7.0, and 7.3. My homebirth has left the building. Because of this, I am angry. I feel full blown grief. I want to slam pots through windows and drive the van into a fence and eat an entire lemon merengue pie and crawl into bed and not get up til this whole fucking ordeal is over.

-My husband doesn't get it.

-My kids are selfish and self centered and wrapped up in their petty little selves and would never get it even if I explained it to them.

-I feel alone.

-I'm also sick.

Because I'm sick, I'm also utterly exhausted, and I just don't know at the beginning of the day how I'm going to do all the things I need to physically do to get myself and three children out the other end of it, and there is no one I can call for help. My in town family all work full time jobs, my friends all have jobs and families they need to care for, and the rest of my family lives out of town. Oh, and also have jobs and families, of course. It's tough. I feel like I NEED help, I'm willing to ASK, but there's no one to ask, you know?
[Lousie, you're sick too. I'm not asking you when we're BOTH sick!]

The painful ironic twist is that with Riley I COULD HAVE had a home birth; my midwives were more than willing, I had no diagnoses or ailments, I just wasn't 100% ready yet. It was my backup plan if the hospitals were on diversion while I was in labour; both my midwives agreed that it was fine with them to have me deliver at home rather than lose them as caregivers.
When I did go into labour, Surrey WAS full, and the thought of going to Langley or Peace Arch was absolutely disgusting to me, for some weird reason. I knew that if Surrey wouldn't take us, I would stay at home. But since my midwife offered to bring her partner midwife in to the hospital with her and therefore all we would require was a room, and not the presence of a nurse, they let us come. And off we went.
Now I wish we stayed. Although last time I didn't care if I had a drug free birth, a peaceful birth, an empowering birth, a hospital birth, or a birth upside down in a headstand. All I wanted was a VBAC. So I am not sure I would have appreciated the home birth even if I had it~that was for this time, when I have more experience, more knowledge, and more desire to stay at home and it feels right for THIS birth. So I need to try and avoid projecting THIS birth onto THAT birth in retrospect and forcing a geography on it that didn't feel right for THAT birth just because I want it and can't have it this time.

I KNOW I should be grateful to give birth at all. I'm aware that there are plenty of friends and family of mine who either have difficult pregnancies and births, or repeated miscarriages, or infertility struggles and I should be happy and grateful to give birth at all, hospital or no, but that particular knowledge isn't helping me tame my emotions right now. I just feel angry, angry, angry. Unfair, unfair, unfair. Around 4% of women have GD, and the vast majority of them can control it with diet and exercise. What's with being in the minority of the minority? I want to cry but I'm too damn busy exercising and running around after little people so I don't have time.

FUCK.

Add to all this the fact that today was just one of those days where nothing seems to go right. I woke up too early. My blood sugar was too high. I got a phone call at 8:10 from Matthew's speech therapist at school; Matthew's teacher, learning assistance teacher, and the speech therapist were all waiting for me for our meeting at 8:00 a.m., was I coming? HOLY......I made it from everyone sitting at the kitchen table to the school in 9 minutes.
The meeting went long because there was tons to cover and because I was late, so I missed my water aerobics class at 9:15. I tried to roll with things and be flexible, so I took Riley to the rec centre anyways and figured I'd put him in the (Monday mornings 9-11 a.m. ONLY) child care there and swim laps. I forgot my pass for the pool. They were gracious and let me promise to pay with 2 punches next time. I didn't pack my goggles because I was planning on going to aerobics so I had to do laps with no goggles. The lanes were all full so I was forced to share a lane with the "fast" people and this Hummer of a woman kept passing me and giving me dirty looks. The lanes were set up in the deep end and I'm scared of the deep end. I forgot my shampoo, my brush, and my soap. I dropped my glasses in the shower afterwards. Riley is sick so he's cranky and he just did NOT want to transition between activities today and I can't carry him to make him do what I need him to do! So two year old temper tantrums are particularly frustrating these days. He had a lot of them today.
Because we left so quickly in the morning, I had to go home and make Ayden and Matthew lunches and drop them off at the school, necessitating more transitions for my two year old. At noon I had a shower. There was no hot water. E.I. hasn't started to pay me yet and I've unpaid bills and people nagging me and classes organizing group gifts for teachers and wanting me to pay them and a bounced cheque for the kids' school photos, and my gas tank is empty and yet I still have to drive places and I have minus $33 dollars in my bank account.
I dropped my keys SO MANY times today. Picking things up off the floor is getting awkward and painful. I want to eat ice cream.
Walking home from school Ayden dropped behind us: he does this on purpose because he really needs some solitude after school and I generally don't mind because he knows his way home and he's a responsible kid, but after 15 minutes of being home and STILL NO AYDEN I was in a STATE: we walk through the woods so I can't drive to get him, I'm in pain and exhausted and VERY pregnant so it feels utterly impossible to WALK back to get him, and I'm increasingly anxious about his safety every second. Then he came home. And got an earful.
I wrote a cheque for violin lessons that I hope doesn't clear until Wednesday. Nothing like praying for a cheque to take awhile to pass through the system, hey?
And then my midwife's office called; they want me to go in tomorrow to see her about my BG but the only times they had were 9:30 (Matthew has a follow up with his ENT surgeon at 9:00 in Surrey), and 3:45. Brent's on day shift so the 3:45 appointment will mean me going to my midwife's office with ALL THREE of my boys. GONG SHOW. I'm also meeting with friends at 4:30 to go to a Christmas play so this may be logistically unfeasible but obviously my pregnancy comes first so I am not sure if I forfeit the play or meet up with them late or what--I am not sure about that one.

All day I felt like passing out, but as you can see I was too busy to bother. My blood pressure is too low lately and it makes me feel very faint, but how do you fix that one? It drops when I don't get enough sleep.
Maybe I need a sleep aid.
But then again, I can't afford one.

Slam pots. Van into fence. Eat lemon merengue pie. Crawl under my covers and not get up for months. Blechhhhhh.......

9 comments:

Caryn Ouwehand said...

Ugh Melissa,

just ugh.

Why can't I live on the coast today... I would come help. I WOULD.

...maybe westjet has a sale on...

melissa said...

that would be AWESOME, girl!

Louise Chapman said...

Mel-bring the boys here tomorrow when you have your midwife appointment....one, two or all three. Koen is still sick with that nasty cold virus but if you're not too worried about that, I'm not! Gary will be home by 4:15pm as back up for me:) Let me know!!!
Louise

nancy said...

what a disgusting day! You should have vented more to me when we talked on the phone. But of course 1/2 the icky things hadn't happened yet. I'm still praying for your blood sugar levels. It's SO impossible when moms get sick! I really wish we lived closer so I could help more. Maybe this weekend you can get some extra rest while you're here.
keep me posted on your midwife appointment.
love you
momsy

Caryn Ouwehand said...

Anon... if I knew who you were I would come kick yo' ass right now.

Way to kick a gal while she is down.

STINKING EVERYONE IN NORTH AMERICA IS STRUGGLING FINANCIALLY RIGHT NOW. Its just refreshing that totally awesome and honest people like Melissa are being HONEST about it for once.

Mel, I love your honesty in this post. It is so refreshing. And for the record, our payday is on Friday and our bank balance is negetive $135 dollars right now.
Lots of love. And remember... breastmilk doesn't cost a thing.

nancy said...

anon....what you posted is pure evil. Examine your heart to determine your motive here, and it won't be pretty. Melissa can stretch a $ further than anyone I know. Finances are temorarly tighter than normal due to health concerns that made Melissa take her mat leave early.
Why am I explaining this to you - you don't deserve it.
Get the hell off Melissa's blog and stay off.
mad mom

Tonya said...

Oh my word. Melissa. Anonymous is a jackass. Pure and simple. And I hope anonymous reads this and repents of being such a total jackass. PULL THE PLANK OUT OF YOUR OWN EYE FIRST. I can't say jackass enough about this person. So anonymous - jackass jackass jackass jackass jackass. Please, think that about yourself.

SANDRA said...

Anonymous, I hope you only get coal in your Christmas sock! What a mean comment. Jerk!

tamie said...

I know I'm a day late on this one but....awwwwww.....I wish I could be there to fill your car up with gas, take the kids while you go to the midwife, and drop you off for a massage or pedicure or whatever relaxes you.

I think anonymous is a spammer. But if anonymous is real, then anonymous had damn well better be at confession right now if s/he doesn't want bad karma for forever.

XOXO, Mel!