Some days, I swear she hates me. It is so hard to keep her happy and regulated and calm and balanced. Matthew had tons of trouble with emotional regulation too, and it really fed my anxiety disorder and we would get caught up in these cycles of anger, frustration, crying, and total emotional chaos. I'm happy that I've grown beyond that reality but it doesn't make Amarys' difficulties with emotional regulation any easier to live with. I handle them better but I hate them just as much.
She's intense. She hits, bites, scratches, pulls hair, screeches, and flails. She loses her shit every time I leave to go anywhere~ the bathroom, the office downstairs for an hour to work, the shower, the grocery store, book club, or the laundry room to wash clothes. She is not easily comforted when she loses her shit. It takes me a day or two to calm her down and re-regulate her after something like an evening out for book club. Or ten minutes spent in the company of her Nana while I drive her brothers to school. So not only is it hard for me to go (and oh my gosh, do I need to go), and hard for Brent and her brothers while I'm gone, I pay for it the next day as I navigate her anger and insecurity that I went. I pay for it. This contributes significantly to my feelings of entrapment, as you can imagine.
I'm doing it. But I need to express that it is hard. It is hard, it is hard, it is hard.
|This is her, right now as I type, frantic to bang on the keyboard|
|But I'm so cuuuuuute, how can you complain about me on the internet?|