Today I feel like I'm going a little bit out of my mind. I can't get away from my daughter; she follows me all over the house wanting to be picked up, wanting "Moe" (to breastfeed), wanting to be carried, wanting to be lifted onto chairs, wanting to put flour in the bread mixture, wanting to put the towel on the bowl for the bread to rise, wanting to play with my bathroom baskets while I am trying to clean the bathroom, wanting to stand DIRECTLY behind me when not in arms, so I trip on her con. stant. ly. She's intense. Most days I handle it in stride but today I'm Done. It's not just that she's slowing me down or getting in my way or dissatisfied with the (vast) number of times I have sat down and nursed her this morning. It's not just that this morning I threw her regulation out of whack by leaving her at home with her daddy while I went to drop off some homework Ayden forgot to bring with him to school today. It's that I'm so tired. I'm so tired of being touched, followed, demanded of, scratched, hit, screamed at, and poked that I want to drag my fingernails down my face.
I'm hiding in the downstairs bedroom to get away from her, as we speak.
She's lovely, she's spirited, she's energetic, she's cute, and she's a drain on my substantial parenting reserves. I want to fly away for a weekend. Just a weekend without her. Oh, my lord, even an afternoon would be heaven.
And then I feel so GUILTY. I'm so ashamed that I feel this way about an 18 month old person who is a beloved child of mine, that I crawl inside myself and curl up in a ball and judge myself. My daughter makes me grind my teeth and sprout grey hairs and get pounding headaches, and I feel entirely responsible. Some days, I feel like I'm parenting her well. She's intense and has a deep well of need that has large holes which leak rapidly, so my refilling each day is essential. She doesn't just like to breastfeed, she NEEDS to. She doesn't just like to be hugged, she NEEDS to be held, often. Dysequilibrium looks like some tears and some misbehaviour, in most kids, but she flies off the handle, screaming, flailing, biting, slapping, kicking, scratching, grabbing, screaming, screaming, and more screaming if thrown out of balance, and it will last until she next sleeps. Sleep re regulates her, but she fights it like its a nest of vipers. And sometimes she wakes up dysregulated. Then there's no help for any of us.
I love her. I like her. She's awesome. I need a break.
Other days, I hear distant critical voices in my head, "You created this." Either because I'm too responsive to her desires, or because I'm not in tune with her enough, it depends on the day. MOST days I know she's just the way she is because she's wonderful and born intense and destined for great things. But some days, those critical voices slam me against the wall, and today is one of those days. Here is a summary:
Today we are having a bad day.
I don't feel like I can talk about this to anyone, which makes me feel more alone. Mainly I think I can't talk about it because not every family has a child this intense. Thus, judgment is likely. Either judgment of my parenting or my stamina or my coping mechanisms, either I'm too soft/lenient/give in to her demands, or I'm not attachment parenting ENOUGH; too structured/too taxed/too selfish or something, but I think you need to either have a pretty open mind and empathetic spirit, or have a child like this to understand without judgment. I know, actually, that most of you are in the empathetic and open minded category, which is why I feel best expressing this here. For that I would like to say thank you, and send you love. xo.
7 comments:
I'm so sorry, and I FEEL you. For me, I really believe I would struggle with this with Bennett IF I had other kids and responsibilities, but I don't, so it's easier. But I CANNOT IMAGINE caring for a high-needs, high-desire, demanding child with the added weight of all you have on your plate. I just can't imagine.
NO judgment here, for pete's sake. I can't imagine anyone that would have the balls to judge you. Those would be some big balls, my friend, real big balls. Because you are doing it all.
Just the list of things that you are getting done today. Um - making homemade fresh bread?! Hahahaha! 99% of women never get that sorta shit DONE. Know what I'm saying? Nursing on demand? AWESOME of you. Selfless and awesome. Cleaning the bathroom? I'm sorry - what? You clean your bathroom? Haha! Rrrright...that's not really on my list of things to actually get done very often. So you see, the fact that you are doing ANY of this stuff WHILE caring for a needy child AND FOUR OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS WHO ALSO NEED YOU AND REQUIRE A SHIT-LOAD OF WORK??? You are amazing. You really are.
Add to that the fact that you make awesomely crafty stuff to sell on Ebay, that you write for another blog and are a major birth activist and doula.
If you don't think you are a rockstar, I must really question your brains. :) Because YOU ARE.
You are doing SO GREAT!!!! You are SUCH a fantastic mother to Amarys, it's just a fact. And having tough days just comes with the package deal. It does NOT mean you are doing a single thing wrong. I'm glad you can tell us about what goes on in your mind though. Don't ever feel like you can't write out that kind of stuff.
Also, I second absolutely everything Rachel says. You are doing SO much and you're doing it all so awesomely. Maybe sometimes you forget how much you're doing simultaneously--and all of it with this great big heart and these beautiful intentions--you're a beautiful woman, my friend, and you give me hope every day.
I totally can relate, and you're not alone - though I agree that parenting an intense kid can feel lonely...
My 4 year old has been intense since day 1 and continues to challenge me daily by how much she needs. But, she's also a vibrant impressive human who I adore. Yet we need breaks, all mamas do but especially ones with kiddos like ours.
Be gentle with yourself. It sounds like you're doing amazing beautiful work as a mom and beyond.
-Dana
Wow. I have no words. This post just made my heart ache for you. I wish I lived in your neighbourhood. I would show up at your front door with a margarita and a gong for you to use each as required.
Sometimes life is just that. A giant GONG show. Why the hell are kids fussy? GRRRRR.
You are a wonderful Mama, it is written through this whole post.
Hi Melissa,
Oh men, I hear you, so well! You're not a bad mother and you don't have to feel guilty even though it easier said than done. Recently, I can't remember where I read or heard that there are 3 kinds of parenting:
-one where the child has to do all the work and bend over to meet parents goals and expectations
- a second one where the parents bend over to meet every kid's expectations and needs
- and a third one where parents do the best to meet their kid's needs and expectation up to a point: when their start to loose their health, mental or physical.
I like this way of seeing parenting. It made me feel better. I have huge sleep issues with Felix now and I'm about to loose it so I remember this and that if I'm not healthy, in the end my child will suffer from it. I'm not trying to hide behind an excuse, it's a fine line and fragile equilibrium but well, we're only human beings loving their offspring.
Lots of hugs to you, hang in there and maybe you'll find someone to take over and give you a break for a bit.
Love,
Em
You guys are all wonderful. I cried when I read your responses; I was so overwhelmed that day, it is true that I forgot all that I was doing at once without realizing it. It's just so tough to feel guilty because of all those mixed up ambiguous feelings rather than all the time squishy lovey dovey ones. You know? Yeah, you know. Thanks to all of you, you really perked up my day and even my week with your support. xo
thanks for sharing..
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