I was going to write about birth mothers today, but I think I don't have it in me. Today I'm struggling. Today I want to yell Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle!! as a preface to my presence. Just so people know. I'm trying hard to hold it together and so far, it would appear as though I have. But my insides are having a fight to the death with each other and shit does it ever hurt.
This time of year is ALWAYS hard for me. As soon as it gets dark and wet, I'm full of fear. So full of fear that I can taste it. I'm preemptive; I take Vitamin D in the dark months and increase my iron and B vitamin intake. I spend as much time as I can manage outdoors when the sun shines, but still my fall season usually has a rough patch in it. Not a day. A couple of weeks of wrestling. [I gave this post the name Rough Day but really it's been rough for a week and likely to remain that way for a bit longer]. This is why I dread autumn and the advent of winter, why I celebrate spring so much, and why I have a hard time shouting and kicking up piles of gorgeous leaves with everyone else when fall arrives. This year has been AWESOME but I think the long Indian Summer [WHAT is the politically correct term for that? Anyone???] had somewhat something to do with that. Plus, my summer was so good, it lasted into October. Sweet! I had kind of hoped to skip right over my autumn funk but, well, I DO have an anxiety disorder so maybe that wasn't so utterly realistic.
I just feel so damn scared. Afraid of judgment. Afraid of my kids dying. Afraid of waking up one day wondering what the hell I did with my life that was worth anything. Afraid I'm in an alternate reality and don't know it (that's a common one for me). Afraid of losing my artistic talent by never using it. Afraid of feeling shame. Afraid of loss. Afraid of anger from others. Afraid of my husband dying at work. Afraid of him dying, period. Afraid of fucking up my kids. Afraid of making mistakes. Afraid that I will always be afraid.
A friend of mine IS angry with me, so that doesn't help. My mistake towards her was unintentional, but it was a mistake. I have a very real, valid, strong fear of loss of relationships when I make mistakes like this one. This fear has been confirmed by loss of central relationships several times in my life and it ties me up in knots and actually damages relationships sometimes because I'm so afraid of loss.
I'm also up next to share my story with my life group tonight. You know that small group I've been going to with amazing women, where God is doing some really palpable work? We are all new to the group and to each other, so we are taking turns sharing our stories. Tonight is me. I'm going to die. [or not, I haven't decided]. I'm afraid they will judge me. I'm a weird hippie with a mental illness: what's not to judge? [?!!] I just want to curl up in my bed and forget I exist. It's just too exhausting holding it together and falling apart inside. I've been grinding my teeth so hard at night, my teeth hurt in the morning. I keep thinking I have cavities but the pain fades by lunchtime so I know it's from anxiety.
Maybe I'll load up on St John's Wort and do some self care today. [Self care=eat too much chocolate and let my kids play too much Wii so they leave me alone]. In fact, Amarys is in the bath and Riley is playing Wii right now, because that is what will keep them occupied long enough for me to write about it.
Deep breath. Here I go...